


Belonging to others

by Serialsidekick03



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Breakup, M/M, Not Canon Compliant, introspective, post 3x18
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-26
Updated: 2020-02-26
Packaged: 2021-02-19 12:54:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,435
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22911358
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Serialsidekick03/pseuds/Serialsidekick03
Summary: Bound by promises and duty, Alec was not his own. Even when he thought he was,  he belonged to others. Some things change but that never would.ORAn introspective on Alec’s thoughts before his almost wedding and his thoughts after the 3x18 breakup.
Relationships: Alec Lightwood & Maryse Lightwood, Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Comments: 5
Kudos: 27





	Belonging to others

**Author's Note:**

> I rewatched most of 3B last night to celebrate/mourn the anniversary of it being a year since the start of airing of the last episodes. This was the sad result from where I stopped. I unfortunately had thoughts and someone else should suffer then with me.

Alec Lightwood had always belonged to others. He was his mother’s perfect son, not her most loved but perfect. He was his sister’s confidant, her support system and her big brother. He was Jace’s parabatai, his personal fixer, his wingman, his sense of reason. He was the Clave’s perfect soldier, never a word out of place or a step over the line. He was the Lightwood family hope and redemption.

Standing at the altar on his wedding day, Alec wasn’t sure he wanted to add another title to his name. Bound by duty, he forced himself not to run— to tie himself down once again instead. He tried to hold his hands steady as he extended one to Lydia, hoping that his expression did not give away the war in his head. Alec did not want to go through with this wedding but that didn’t matter. His mother’s eyes bore into him, proud but cold. At her side was his father, his jaw set firm and full of expectations. It’s what they expected that mattered. By his side and across from him, Jace and Isabelle unintentionally reminded Alec why he was still there. He owed it to all of them to follow through with this ceremony.

Alec’s determination faltered when Magnus entered the room, leaving just enough of a distance to give Alec the choice. His hands felt clammy and his lungs forgot how to breathe as he made eye contact. His heart seemed to race out of his chest; he could not help but wonder if everyone else could hear it too. Twin feelings of relief and uncertainty coursed through his veins. The nightmare began to fall away as he realized what he had in front of him, a choice not an obligation.

“Are you going to be okay, buddy?” Jace’s voice pulled him out of his staring match.

“He—he’s here. I can’t breathe” Alec managed to stutter out.

All eyes were trained on him but only one pair mattered. Magnus’ were a warm brown that seemed to pose a challenge and be vulnerable at the same time. Alec could see the promise there for a drastically different path if he could will himself to take it. Magnus offered Alec something that no one else ever had, a chance at freedom. Alec stepped down from the altar. He took a deep breath to set his determination and composure. His expression told nothing, but perhaps that was because there was nothing to tell. 

At that moment, he made a promise to himself. It was the first he had imposed upon himself rather than someone else imposing it upon him. While all of the other promises Alec was bound to felt stifling, this one was freedom. He promised himself a future where he didn’t need to hide, one where he could choose himself. 

~*~  
Breathlessly, Alec took a step back. “Magnus, I can’t. I’m sorry.” He heard himself say, but they didn’t feel like his own words.

They were in his voice, from his mouth, but they weren’t his. The words cut as they tumbled off his tongue. Icy and distant, they left a bitter aftertaste after they were uttered. He regretted them as soon as he heard them. His or not the words felt final, no room to turn around and fix things. They sucked that air out of Alec’s lungs.

Magnus’ eyes, open and defeated, bore into Alec. They begged Alec to look at them and change his mind. Alec refused to meet them. He wasn’t sure he would go through with this if he did. The tears in his eyes would have surely given everything away.

Alec forced himself to walk out of his mother’s shop before he lost his nerve. The weight fell back on his shoulders, heavier than it had been a few months ago. It nearly knocked him over. Swaying from the added pressure, he propelled himself forward-- away from Magnus. He was breathless, gasping for air to fuel his silent sobs. He had done it and refused to turn back. 

Alec wasn’t sure where he was heading. He was just walking away with no distinct location in mind. The institute was out of the question. It was too silent, too empty, and too stifling. He knew that if he went back to his office or his room, he would be confronted by the memories and he would break down. There would by prying eyes and trilling voices demanding his attention that he could not give. He’d be giving himself back to everyone else. 

Unconsciously, he found himself drifting down a familiar road. The New York streets, littered with candy wrappers and decorated with tired pumpkins, were fittingly empty. Not a soul on the sidewalks and not a started car in the streets. Stopping in front of a large apartment complex a few blocks down his walk, Alec bit at his lip and looked up at it. 

He debated for a few minutes if he should try the buzzer. It was late, but was it too late to impose? Did this constitute an emergency or was this just a personal crisis? Alec gulped back his doubts and stepped up to the buzzer on the wall.

“Hello?” Maryse’s voice crackled through the speakers. “Who is it? You do know what time it is?”

“Mom,” Alec’s voice broke in response. “Can I come up?”

“Of course, Alec. You know the floor.” Maryse’s voice softened as she buzzed open the door to the complex. 

Alec nodded to himself as he entered the building and started up the stairs.

Maryse waited for him in the doorway of her third floor apartment. She had clearly been ben woken up from sleep as she was still bare-footed and in her nightwear. Her arms were crossed but it was more out of habit than imposition. Her sleep deprived eyes were softened with concern, looking her son over for any physical injuries. The line between her brow relaxed when she found none. 

“Is everything okay?” Maryse posed as Alec approached. “Halloween hunts going okay?”

Alec was compelled to lie. It would have been easier than the truth. He could brush it off and tell a half truth about the extent of demon sighting wearing him out, but the truth would come out eventually. Alec couldn’t lie convincingly and it was only a matter of time before the information became pertinent to Maryse.

Reaching into his jacket pocket, Alec pulled out the little tin ring box that had weighed on him since leaving Magnus. He ran his thumb along the little engraving of it, wondering how he had come to this. With a sigh, he extended the box to his mother. “I won’t need this anymore.”

Maryse pushed off the doorway and reached her hand out to him. She looked him over, trying to find a sign of what was going through her son’s head. Slowly, She wrapped her hand around the trinket; at the last second, she curled Alec’s fingers back around it. 

“You’ll need it later. Hold onto it,” Maryse offered as she pushed his hand back to him. “It just wasn’t the right time yesterday. You’ll find a better one next round.”

Alec shook his head. “There won’t be a next time, Mom.”

“Alec, what happened? One failed proposal doesn’t mean the end of the world.”

“Magnus and I broke up,” Alec admitted, avoiding his mother’s eyes. “So please just take it from me.”

Maryse gapped at him but did as he asked, taking the box from his palm and discarding it in her sweat’s pocket. She was left speechless in doing so.

“Thank you,” Alec managed as he followed her action.

The weight was lifted when the ring had transferred hands, but it left a noticeable void. In those seconds, Alec saw the broken, empty, and unsaid promises he was giving away. His hopes for a future with Magnus and a family were all handed off. He gave up the promise of a life for himself because through it all, Alec Lightwood still belonged to others. And Magnus, well he held the largest part of him. What was a broken promise to himself when compared to that.

Maryse hesitated but drew Alec into an embrace. She had to get on the tips of her toes to reach her arms around his neck. She drew him in as tightly as possible. She hadn’t held him like this since he was a child, yet Alec found himself crumbling in her arms, sharing his burdens with her. 

“What are you feeling?” Maryse asked gently.

“Like I can’t breathe”


End file.
